Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?

For year's years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law... Guarded them very carefully, And always wore a bra. After 30 years of careful care, The Doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump. "Stand up very close," she said, as she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, Ah yes!There! Thats just fine." She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down... My Boob was in a vice!! My skin was stretched'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was

There was a mad scientist (a mad ...social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water - but no can opener. A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped. The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. The mathematician had stacked the unopened ca

One day at Lee Elementary in the 1st grade hallway a little boy named Chris(kid #2 from my spoiled brat joke) and another child name sarah are walking down the hall way. (sarah and chris bump into each other) sarah:watch it doo doo head. chris:you watch it cootie pants. sarah:who are you calling cootie pants,freckle face. chris:you,little miss bucktooth. sarah:well you're nothing but a ugly butt. chris:why don't you shut the hell up you god damn mother fucking bitch ass whore.

What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose.

Little Brother: How long is a strong? Big Sister: Huh? Little Brother: Well, I've heard of a week...

Are the Wocka ads annoying you? This is an updated version to tell you how to block them. It might take too long for you to reach the 5000 point milestone and therefore automatically get rid of the ads. If they do annoy you, here's a way to remove them: 1. Open "my computer", locate the windows directory (for example, C:\windows). 2. Enter its subdirectory system32\drivers\etc (the full path might be something like C:\windows\system32\drivers\etc). You can find a file named "host". 3. Use the "notepad" (which is being used to open .txt files) to open this file, and add these lines: 127.0.0.1 pagead2.googlesyndication.com 127.0.0.1 media.fastclick.net 127.0.0.1 www.burstnet.com 4. Save

Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs.

A few weeks ago, my Health teacher set up a competition, saying the winning group would win an extra credit point. We were separated into five groups; water, electricity, food, paper, and gas. Each group had to come up with at least twenty ways to preserve their element. The group that came up with the most solutions would win the extra credit point. Near the end of the of the class, the teacher had reported that there were two winning teams; electricity, and gas. They had tied equally with very good responses. The teacher then said that both of those teams would need to come up with a final way to preserve their element, and whoever had the best one, would be determined the winner. "

Press Release Scare At Adelaide F.C. (Football Club) Headquarters Training at West Lakes was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground. Initially the Club thought it was a prank! Team manager Neil Craig immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, SA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line. Practice will resume this afternoon after police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

A woman is walking down the street with a pack of menstrual pads in her hand, after buying them from the store. A homeless guy comes by and kindly asks for money. The woman says she has no change. So, the guy being a smartass says, "Can I have some of that bread in your hand?" The woman being a bigger smartass says, "Meet me tomorrow and I will give it to you with some ketchup on it!"

How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.