A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she awakens, several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?" "Fine" says the doctor, your brother named them. She thinks to herself, Oh no, my brother's an idiot. "What did he name them?" she asks the doctor. "He named the girl Denise" said the doctor. Well, maybe I misjudged my brother, Denise isn't such a bad name, she realizes. "What did he name the boy?" Replies the doctor "Denephew."

A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground. The first sign says, "The End is Near!!" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!" The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash. The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, Honey. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.

Reacting to Federal guidelines, the State of FLORIDA, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's Dept. of Education, has redesigned and just released a new comprehensive test to be given to all students beginning in the spring of the 2004-2005 school year. In response to President Bush's Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass it to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test or (FART). All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4, and 5 until such a time as they

You Know You've Been In College Too Long When... * You consider McDonald's "real food." * You actually like doing laundry at home. * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. * It starts getting late on the weeknights. * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. * You'd rather clean than study. * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. * Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life. * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps. * You know the pizza boy by name. * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. * You live for getting mail. (E-ma

Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"