In the university, the lecturers were entering their classes. Meanwhile, the students were doing their own stuff. When the lecturer said,"Class, attention please!" all of them still did something else. Of course they didn't pay attention because the lecturer asked the CLASS to pay attention!

A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?" Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq These colors don't run the world. One nation under surveillance. It's the oil, stupid. War is expensive, Peace is priceless. Read between the Pipelines No More BuSh. Smart weapons, Dumb president. The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself. How many Lives per Gallon? Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now! Peace Takes Brains Anything war can do, peace can do better. Negotiation Not Annihilation. Another patriot for peace. How did our oil get under their sand? Go Solar, not Ballistic. Who Would Jesus Bomb? Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now. Don't blame me, I voted with the majority. Buck Fush! Resistance is Fertile. (Pictures of sheep carrying flags)

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?" The Judge said that was accurate. "Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action. The man then turned to Miss Stuart and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. When the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This baby here," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer." A smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" Immediately, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, "Fishing Off Florida." "Ha!" laughed the smartass. "Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question." The quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the an

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: SYSTEM'S ADMINISTRATOR SUBJECT: WARNING! C-NILE VIRUS ... MUST READ: Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958. Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to send e-mail to other listed persons who received the e-mail from the person who sent

A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!" The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what "AH" meant. The officer said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!" and then returned to his cruiser. The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorne

Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sitting on the porch swing, talking bout the good old days when Maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up; "Get my gun, Maw." Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG..BANG..BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops.

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...