Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence? At the bottom.

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything. "I don't get it," says the first blonde. "Why haven't we caught anything yet?" The second blonde says,"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

You know how young children have that special hobby of always asking "Why?" Well, one day I went to the bank to pay some bills, and my 4-year-old daughter did just so. "Mommy, why are we coming here?" "So mommy can pay some bills." "Why?" "So that we can keep our house." "Why?" "So that we won't have to live on the streets." "Why?" "Because that's what will happen if we don't pay for our house." "Why?" "Because that's the way it goes." "Why?" "Why do you keeping asking 'why?'." "...why?" "You're being a nuisance." "Why?" "Because you got that from your father." "Why?" "Because your father is a nuisance." "Why?" "I don't know, you go ask HIM and then tell me why."

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finke

One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the le

Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts. Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her." Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts. Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?" Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay

The was a man named Jimmy who was on a job interview in another state that he didn't know very well. While he was driving he became very tired. Noticing there were no hotels in sight, he pulled over in the driveway and knocked on the door. A old man in his 60s greeted him. "Hi, Im sorry to disturb you, but I am very tired. May I sleep here just for tonight?" Jimmy asked. The old man cleared his thoat and said,"Well, I don't have any more rooms available, but you can sleep with my daughter if you don't disturb her." Jimmy nodded his head and agreed, and the old man showed him the room. "See you in the morning," said the old man. Jimmy stripped his clothes off and got into the bed. He fel

Your face is sad. Not that you're crying, it's that I feel sorry for you.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'" The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend. She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?" copyright fox corp.