Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born? A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.

There was a man, let's call him Gregory. Gregory was carrying a small box, and he went to another man's house (we'll call him Jebediah) and knocked on the door. When Jebediah answered, Gregory said "I have a proposition for you. Take this box. There is a button inside. If you press the button before I return, someone that you don't know will die. Tomorrow, I will return. If you have pressed the button, I will give you $20,000." Gregory left the box with Jebediah. Jebediah had to consider what he was going to do. Eventually he decided that he didn't care about the person, and he pressed the button. The next day, Gregory returned to take back the box. "Well then, I belive that this is yours,

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will be able to find out where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be completely honest and spontaneous. From the gut. Please scroll down slowly and consider the scenario carefully. This is important for the test to work accurately. You're a freelance photographer in Florida. You are caught in a great disaster. A hurricane has caused great chaos and severe flooding. There are huge masses of water swirling around you but you somehow manage to crawl to safety on th

-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets. -When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. -Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. -While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling. -Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water. -You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words. Banta Singh : OK. Interviewer : Made in India. Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan. Interviewer : Good .... Keep it up. Banta Singh : Bad .... Put it down. Interviewer : Maxi - mum Banta Singh : Mini - dad Interviewer : Enough! Take your seat. Banta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat. Interviewer : Idiot! Take your seat. Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat. Interviewer : I say you get out! Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in. Interviewer : I reject you! Banta Singh : You appoint me. Interviewer : .....!!!!!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument!

Why don't crabs share? Because there shelfish!

Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.

Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!

FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."