It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails, looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared, and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance; he knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like

A man takes a day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole, when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit, 9 iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anybody. So he gets ready again, when he hears "Ribbit 9 iron" He looks at the frog, and decides to prove him wrong. He puts away his club, and gets a 9 iron. He whacked that ball, and it landed 10 in. from the cup! He was shocked, and looked at the frog, "Wow, that was amazing" he said "You must be a lucky frog then." "Ribbit, Lucky Frog" The man takes the frog to the next hole. "What do you think?" he said. "Ribbit, 3 wood" The ma

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? A: Eileen. Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door? A: Justin. Q: What do you call a girl who gambles? A: Betty. Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river? A: Bridget. Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg? A: Jean. Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter? A: Art. Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack. Q: What do you call a lady in the distance? A: Dot. Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? A: Lily. Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front? A: Bill.

What' did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! You must have a low op

Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt? They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon h

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings him his meal. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, exclaiming, "Waitress! There's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!" So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen where the cook is, and to the man's demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. The distraught customer says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting? You should see him make donuts."

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought. As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also." Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said,

For Stupid: Hey, your house is calling, and they're missing their idiot. Where were you when God gave out brains? How many times have you crawled into the hole that said 'lowers your IQ'? Did you get dropped on your head when you were little and your mom said you were just 'special'? Did you like getting hit by the stupid stick? For Ugly: Did you perhaps get run over by a truck sometime in your life? Note: You can use stupid insults and change them to ugly insults by a word and vice versa.

A dumb list for dumb laws: Australia 1. Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them. 2. You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle. 3. It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar. England 1. Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license. 2. It is illegal to leave baggage unattended. 3. Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism. France 1. Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers. Thailand 1. It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear. 2. You must wear a shir

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?