This is a true story. This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time. Lawyer - "You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?" Policeman - "That is correct." L - "And where were you at this time?" P - "At the junction of X and Z." L - "So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred?" P - "Yes, I was." L, in incredulous accent - "So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?" P - "Yes." L - "Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?" P - "Because

Dick Cheney had a problem. He was been sued for 200 million dollars. He asks everybody in the West Wing for advice. However, only President Bush has any good advice: " Why don't you take them hunting?"

A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket. "Hey - check this out," he said to his wife, "this stub is 20 years old. I wonder if the shop still has the shoes." So the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes. The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes. When he returned, he replied happily, "Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes. They'll be ready next Thursday."

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady. "Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get y

Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 11. You can't hide a piece o

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls. "You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these." "Can I see one?" "Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . " All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees. "What? What does it say?" "Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....) Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth

A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring. The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?" The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."

Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of mo