Popular Jokes
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me--you're still circumcised?"
"Danny," asked Mrs Waters, "What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?"
"Why- er..."
"Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?"
"The what??"
That's absolutely right. The watt."
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a ni
I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas...
But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?
CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
A blonde was at an airport. She was excited, as this would be her very first time riding in a plane; she was flying to see her relatives, so she was at the airport, when she realized she had to buy a ticket.
So she goes up to the counter where they are selling tickets. She says to the clerk, "Yes, I'd like 1 ticket to New Jersey, please."
The clerk looks at her and says, "One-way, or round trip?"
The blonde replies, "One way."
So she buys her ticket, and hurries off. A little later, though, she comes right back to the same clerk. She says, "Yes, I'd like 1 ticket to New Jersey, one way, please."
The clerk looks at her strangely, but still hands her another ticket.
She hurries off,
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside ne
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons.
I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. R
Yo momma is so fat, when she was laying on the beach, everyone was screaming, saying "Look it's Free Willy!!!!''
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