Popular Jokes
The pub landlord was delighted with the little puppy that he'd acquired, and the little puppy was very pleased with his new home.
He'd run around the place, just a bundle of energy - very inquisitive, examining this, looking into that, non-stop all day, until the inevitable happened and he caught his tail in a fast-closing door and lost it!
Time passed, and as one human year equals seven dog years, eventually he went to dog-heaven, for an endless supply of dog biscuits, walks in paradise - well, you couldn't call it a dog's life!
However, he felt incomplete, and one night around midnight, he went back in his ghostly form to ask to be made whole again.
"Sorry," said the landlord, "you kno
There was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Antarctica. The bride asks her husband to gather berries; the husband asked, "Why do you want berries; we are in Antartica?" She replied with, "I was just wondering if you would and if your penis shriveled, because my nipples are hard and if your penis does shrivel, I can heat it up in my vagina when you got back."
The husband ran out looking for berries. When he came back she asked, "What took you so long?"
He then said, "Can we fuck now or what?"
She said as long as you're not frost bit."
So they went up to their room and started kissing furiously; the next thing he knew, she was giving him the greatest head he had ever gotten. Then he laid
A man was filling out a job application form.
Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No."
Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught."
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A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people.
One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!"
Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself.
The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him.
He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did no
What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?
A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
One day a man was walking down the road and saw the priest also walking. Since he knows the priest usually rides a bike he asks where it is.
"Well, I woke up this morning and couldn't find it," he replies.
"Oh. Well, here is an idea. When you go over the Ten Commandments in your sermon this morning, bear down real hard on Thou shall not steal. Then, whoever took it will feel guilty and give it back."
"Great idea!"
Well, that afternoon the man sees the priest riding his bike. "I see they gave it back to you. I knew my idea would work!" he says.
"Well, actually I went through the Ten Commandments like you said, but when I got to Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left m
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time.
"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!"
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have ano
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"
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