Popular Jokes
Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?"
Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?"
The librarian gave her a funny look and said, " I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers,"Can I have some fish and chips please?"
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzz
A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she awakens, several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doctor, your brother named them. She thinks to herself, Oh no, my brother's an idiot.
"What did he name them?" she asks the doctor.
"He named the girl Denise" said the doctor.
Well, maybe I misjudged my brother, Denise isn't such a bad name, she realizes. "What did he name the boy?"
Replies the doctor "Denephew."
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:
"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first."
--Oscar Levant
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
--Fred Allen
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
--G. C. Lichtenberg
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still wa
A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.
The driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. "Oh yes," said the farmer, "that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and mysel
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