A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later, the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school c

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

One night a man knocked at the doctor's door. When the door opened - Doctor : What is the matter? The man : Doctor,a dog bit my leg. Doctor : Don't you know that I don't see patients after 9 pm? The man : I know that very well.Perhaps the dog was not aware of it.

Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like ... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ... Coffee ..... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born? A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.

-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets. -When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. -Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. -While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling. -Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water. -You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

Q: How do babies get their belly buttons? A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, "You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -"

Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal." "Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."

I once got hired for a "wonderful" new job! And here is the "wonderful" note I found attached to my "wonderful" first paycheck: PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our new employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. $9.95 Life insuran

Three guys are in an bar sitting around a log fire with their dogs and get to talkin' about them. First one says, "My dog is called Woodworker. Go Woodworker!" The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says, "My dog is called Stoneworker. Go Stoneworker!" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and creates a beautiful carving. Third one says, "My dog is called Iron Worker." He puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says, "I'll just touch him on the nose and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

Child: "Teacher! I can't find my boots!" Teacher: "Are you sure?" Child: "Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!" Teacher:"Are you sure?" Child:" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!"