Popular Jokes
-The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
-The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
-The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
-The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
-The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
-The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
-The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
-The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
-The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
-The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
-The Foolish Pe
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7
"Two tone paint work" - Original color and rust.
"One careful owner" - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.
"10,000 trouble-free miles" - Crashed in the last 20 feet.
"Heated rear window" - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.
"Very clean" - Only washed if and when it rains.
"Lady owner" - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
"Clean interior" - All the rubbish is under the floormats.
"Immobilizer" - The gear shift comes off in your hand.
"Anti-theft device" - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.
"Drives beautifully" - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.
"Low mileage" - The odometer is on its third time around.
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expe
A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
-----------------------
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?"
"This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.
Q: What is black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?
A: A nun churning butter.
Question: What is the best way to get rid of Irish people?
Answer: Throw a dollar off of a bridge!
Question: What is the best way to get rid of more Irish people?
Answer: Say that no one found the dollar yet!
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
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