An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train. The judge asked, "Why did you derail the train?" The engine driver replied, "A man ran in front of the tracks." The judge replied, "You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him." The driver replied, "I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!"

Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

TRUE STORY I was working in a restaurant for several years. On a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing. They told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!

A man was filling out a job application form. Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No." Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught." ======================================= A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people. One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!" Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself. The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him. He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did no

What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!

I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!

IBM and IBC combine to create the perfect computer for financial management. Here's the headline on the weekly paper. IBM: Do You?

You might be a redneck if you think that "home security" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house.

A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, "Do you live here?" "Yep," replied the drunk. "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" And again the drunk replied, "yep." When they got up on the second floor, the good samaritan asked "Is this your floor?" And once again the drunk replied, "yep." Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk.

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" - What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?" I'm playing golf this afternoon, and th