This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.

Knock knock? Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna figure this out?

Rules for the dog- _______________________ 1. The dog is not allowed in the house. 2. Ok, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain parts. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. Ok, the dog is allowed on the bed but by invitation only. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only. 9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap. All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked. "My 1999 Chevrolet." "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. The clerk asks, "What does it do?" "I don't know, but its always been there." By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the cente

With a lousy year under his belt a tractor salesman was traveling down a dusty back road in Iowa, when he came across a farmer working his field with an old, broken down tractor. He jumped out of his truck and gave his best sales pitch to the old guy. The farmer stroked his chin and said, "The other day I was getting ready to milk Betsy. I was just getting started when she kicked me with her left leg. So I grabbed me a piece of rope and tied her leg to the stall. Just as I was starting again, she kicked me with her right leg. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied leg to the other side of the stall. I'll be darned if when I started again she smacked in the face with her tail. I grabbed an

Here's 50 cents call someone who cares

Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed!

What was the elephant doing on the highway? About 5 mph

Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is? Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table. -------------------------------------------------------------- 'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher. 'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried. 'How did she do that?' 'I hit her on the head with it.' -------------------------------------------------------------- The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad. 'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.' 'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past ni

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Dogs shed, cats shred. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax an

How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!