I once got hired for a "wonderful" new job! And here is the "wonderful" note I found attached to my "wonderful" first paycheck: PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our new employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. $9.95 Life insuran

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand. "Go ahead, Little Johnny." "My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder." "That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?" Again Little Johnny raises his hand. "We'll give you another chance." "My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" Lazarus: "The Second Time Around" Esther: "I Feel Pretty" Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" Moses: "The Wanderer" Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" Samson: "Hair" Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night" Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" Esau: "Born To Be Wild" Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!" The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale" Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Q:What happens when two frogs collide? A: They get tongue tied Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? A: Unhoppy Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A: A rubbit Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? A: He liked a good croak and dagger Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired? A: It got toad

Mom: Why did you get a grade so low? Junior: Because of absence. Mom: Who, You? Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails, looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared, and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance; he knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like

Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your s

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner.

A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap. All the clerks look at each other, and one says, "What's a seven-ten cap?" She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on?" the clerk asked. "My 1999 Chevrolet." "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. The clerk asks, "What does it do?" "I don't know, but its always been there." By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the cente