How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent.... 1. His shoe keeps ringing. 2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week. 3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter. 4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled. 5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again. 6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit. 7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack. 8. "Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh..." 9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens. 10. Favourite phrase is "Yeah, baby... yeah!"

Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving? A. Make sure she wears underwear.

Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a "Woman". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says "I'll build the perfect companion, she'll cook, clean, take care of your every wish and need and will never nag or complain or be angry at you for no reason. It'll only cost you an arm and a leg." Adam says "But I need my arm and leg... what can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history...

Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.

This is a true story. This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time. Lawyer - "You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?" Policeman - "That is correct." L - "And where were you at this time?" P - "At the junction of X and Z." L - "So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred?" P - "Yes, I was." L, in incredulous accent - "So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?" P - "Yes." L - "Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?" P - "Because

(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....) Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. Luke: NO! Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? Luke: Threepio? Darth

One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 11. You can't hide a piece o