The Laws Of Golf LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, th

Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress? It blows itself up.

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. R

Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!

Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza! As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calor

I had a dream that I went to heaven. I was checking in at that gate with the last three presidents of the United States. I watched as George Sr., Bill Clinton, and George Jr. all walked through a bright door with an angel as an escort. I then gave Peter my name at the gate. He checked his book and said "I'm sorry you missed it by an inch, but there is a way to get into heaven if you walk around with an ugly girl for 100 years." I was confused and started complaining that this was not the way heaven was supposed to work. Peter took me to a window next to the bright door where I saw men and women walking around with ugly people as their penance. I became curious about the Presidents b

Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin." "Why is that an issue?" the dad says. "Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"

A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say "hecho en mexico" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, "So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?" She sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. "You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?"

Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read: New Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired!

One beautiful morning, a husband and wife decided to go for a drive in the country. Unfortunately, no matter which road they took, they kept seeing dead possums lying on the shoulder. After several miles of this, the husband turned to his wife and said, "Now I think I know the answer to the age-old question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'" "What is it?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "it was to prove to the possums that it could be done."

What did the little black boy get for his birthday? Your bike.

1) You're so poor that when somebody rings the doorbell you have to stick your head out the window and yell, "Ding-Dong!" 2) You're so poor that when I asked if I could use the bathroom at your house your mom gave me two sticks, one to hold the ceiling up and one to fight the cockroaches. 3) You're so poor that your house is 5 square yards, one floor and no walls. 4) You're so poor that your house is very dark because you can't afford a light bulb. 5) You're so poor that you live in an out-house.