Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' grave

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your s

Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. "Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin." "Why is that an issue?" the dad says. "Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?"

A male blue whale, can ejaculate 40 gallons of sperm during sex. Only 10% of that will get to the female. The other 36 gallons is left in the sea. No wonder the sea's so salty.

With a lousy year under his belt a tractor salesman was traveling down a dusty back road in Iowa, when he came across a farmer working his field with an old, broken down tractor. He jumped out of his truck and gave his best sales pitch to the old guy. The farmer stroked his chin and said, "The other day I was getting ready to milk Betsy. I was just getting started when she kicked me with her left leg. So I grabbed me a piece of rope and tied her leg to the stall. Just as I was starting again, she kicked me with her right leg. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied leg to the other side of the stall. I'll be darned if when I started again she smacked in the face with her tail. I grabbed an

It's 3 a.m. and a couple is sleeping, when suddenly someone knocks on its door. The husband wakes up and goes to see who is disturbing them in the middle of the night. He then sees a young man and when he asks him what he wants, he says furiously, "Please, it's an emergency! I really, really, really need a push!!! Please can you come to help me?" The husband, still angry from his brutal awakening, answers in a very rude way and slams the door on the poor man's face. On his way to his bed he thinks, "Why did I react in such a way? I am a good person and this man could be in a lot of trouble without his car. Maybe I should have helped him...". However, he goes back to sleep. At 4 a.m. anoth

An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train. The judge asked, "Why did you derail the train?" The engine driver replied, "A man ran in front of the tracks." The judge replied, "You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him." The driver replied, "I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!"

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!

I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is? Jimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss. -------------------------------------------------------------- What's the longest piece of furniture in the school? The multiplication table. -------------------------------------------------------------- 'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher. 'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried. 'How did she do that?' 'I hit her on the head with it.' -------------------------------------------------------------- The night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad. 'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.' 'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past ni