You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." You believe chocolate is a food group. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You have no life between August to June. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking a

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Babe Ruth "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." - Lee Trevino "I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a n

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to five friends. If yo

In the university, the lecturers were entering their classes. Meanwhile, the students were doing their own stuff. When the lecturer said,"Class, attention please!" all of them still did something else. Of course they didn't pay attention because the lecturer asked the CLASS to pay attention!

Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq These colors don't run the world. One nation under surveillance. It's the oil, stupid. War is expensive, Peace is priceless. Read between the Pipelines No More BuSh. Smart weapons, Dumb president. The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself. How many Lives per Gallon? Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now! Peace Takes Brains Anything war can do, peace can do better. Negotiation Not Annihilation. Another patriot for peace. How did our oil get under their sand? Go Solar, not Ballistic. Who Would Jesus Bomb? Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now. Don't blame me, I voted with the majority. Buck Fush! Resistance is Fertile. (Pictures of sheep carrying flags)

A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him: "Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you?" he said smugly. The doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, "There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!"

Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.

A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor. Luckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn't make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t. The midget smiles and says, "I just did that". So the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.

As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"

If 1/(x-8) approaches ∞ as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach ω as x approaches 3 from above?