An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"

Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde because she is 18.

NOTE: This is a true story of a real call to a computor company tech support. One day a guy calls tech support. this is how it went... Cust: Hello? TS: Hello Cust: Yeah, my cup holder broke and my computor is still under warranty, so I would like to get it replaced. TS: Ummm cup holder? Cust: yeah cup holder... TS: Ummm did you get it with a promotional offer? Cust: No TS: Umm are you sure you got the right company? Cust: Yeah TS: Ummm... im sorry if i sound confused, because i am. Cust: Well its square, and its on the front of the computor, and it comes out when you press a button... At this point the Tech support guy had to put the guy on hold, so he could finish laughing...

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. Answer their questions with questions. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED

A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, "We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper." "Why?" "Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die.." "Because we don't have any paper?"

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company; "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and t

Q: What is black and white and green and black and white? A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle. Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down? A: A nun churning butter.

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets. -When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. -Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. -While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling. -Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water. -You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Terra. Terra who? Terra reason you won't let me in?

Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, "No Pets Allowed." The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd. The bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, "Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!" The guy says, "But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay. Meanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decid

There where two snakes talking. The 1st one said, "Sidney, are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?" The second snake says, "Why do you ask?" The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"