A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisian

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red. She asks him, "Why are your eyes so big, wolf?" The wolf answers, "Shut up and let me shit in peace!"

Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then

One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, "Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, "yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron".

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothe

An Ontario coupling were on vacation, driving around the province of Nova Scotia. At noon, they arrived at the town of Tatamagouche. The two began to bicker about the pronunication of the town's name. The husband suggested that they stop for lunch and ask. At the restaurant, they placed their order. The wife asks, "Excuse me, but could you slowly pronounce the name of this place?" The employee looks surprised, but complies. "Bur ... ger ... King" (BTW the town's name is pronounced Tat ah mah goosh)

A man is walking down the beach when he comes upon a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The man immediately demands his three wishes. The genie first warns the man that whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law will get double. Figuring it wasnt all that bad the man thinks about his wishes. First he wishes for a billion dollars. *Poof* A huge stack of money appears in front of the man. But his mother-in-law just got 2 billion dollars. Second he wishes for a huge 50 room mansion with full staff to run it. *Poof* A huge mansion appears where his old house to be. (And parts of his neighbors houses too.) But his mother-in-law just recieve a 100 room house built on a beachfront proper

Knock Knock?? who's there? Hatch Hatch-who? Bless you

Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, "Well, at least they're together at last." The clergyman looked around. "Which of her husbands is buried here?" "None," said the friend. "I meant, her legs."

Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life THE DOCTOR, because he says, "Take your clothes off." THE DENTIST, because he says, "Open wide." THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, "Do you want them teased or blown?" THE MILKMAN, because he says, "Do you want it in the back or in the front?" THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, "Once it's in you'll love it." THE BANKER, because he says, "If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.