Popular Jokes
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid woul
Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, "No Pets Allowed."
The guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd.
The bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, "Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!"
The guy says, "But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay.
Meanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decid
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "
Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail?
Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife?
The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?"
Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!"
And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."
Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen.
Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
A: Justin.
Q: What do you call a girl who gambles?
A: Betty.
Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river?
A: Bridget.
Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug.
Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg?
A: Jean.
Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.
Q: What do you call a lady in the distance?
A: Dot.
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily.
Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front?
A: Bill.
A lady gynecologist, was concerned that she was be being lied to everytime she took her car in to have it worked on. She knew very little about cars, so when she heard the local college was having classes in auto repair, she signed up. She studied very hard and was one of the best students. When the final exam came she took her time and did the best she could. She got the results backand she passed with a 150 percent out of 100 percent. When she got her grade she couldn't figure it out, so she called her professor. The professor told her, "I gave you 50 percent for passing the written test, 50 percent for taking the engine apart and putting back together, and another 50 percent for doing it
A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
Once the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the age
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