"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed." The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"

A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.

Seven-year-old Timmy had been the center of his parents' lives up until the time his new baby sister came along. He found it very difficult to share their attention and was becoming more and more jealous. When his little sister was a year old, his parents took him aside and told him that since she was getting bigger, their house was too small, so they would be moving to a bigger house. "Why bother," Timmy grumbled, "She's crawling good now, so she'll probably just follow us."

An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years. "This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim." "That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim." "Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"

This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"

There was a child who came back from school one day with loads of cuts and bruises and his bike broken. The concerned mother asked him what had happened. So, the child says "Well, when the fridge landed on me..."

This really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get?

Your email address ends in "@over.yonder.com". You have a bumper sticker on your truck that says "My other computer is a laptop". You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder" and "Reckon". You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on. Your laptop has a sticker on it that says "Protected by Smith & Wesson". You've used jumper cables to wire your network. Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go" and you still don't miss her. You start all your emails with "Hey Bubba", or "Howdy Y'all".

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He answered it and listened intently. After a brief moment, his face lit up with a smile. He hung up the phone and immediately called his mother to pass along the good news. "Ma, the results are in," he shouted joyously. "I won the election!" "Honestly?" his mother replied. "Aw, gee, Ma, what a time to bring that up!" he said.

While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news. "Listen," he said, "you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there." "I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes," replied the candidate. "Why? What's happening in Buffalo?" the advisor asked. "They're telling the truth about me!" replied the candidate.

A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe. "Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years." "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright." This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?" The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"