After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.

A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!" His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again."

If you use your rollaway tool box for your bedroom dresser. If you are afraid to mow your lawn because you might find out where Grandma's been for the last two months.

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

Any wire cut to length will be too short.

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in a room mice jump on chairs!

Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...