Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!

True Story: My aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, "See, your mother doesn't look old here." He replies, "Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new."

Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Willie: I dunno. Bob: I'll tell you later...

Sven was in front of the mall jewellery store when he spied Ole walking past carrying a small, gift-wrapped package. "So vat did ja buy, Ole?" Ole replied, "Tomorrow is Lena's birthday and she said she vanted something wit lots of diamonds." "So vat did you get her?" asked Sven. "A deck of cards!" replied Ole. - Editor: Ole's funeral services will be held later this week.

Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!

There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.