One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid. Suddenly a genie popped up and said, "Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide," and a slide appeared from nowhere, "and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said." The first man went down and said, "GOLD," and he landed in gold; the second man said, "COCA-COLA," and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and he landed in wee.

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl." The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And what happened to my present?" "What present?" she asked "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"

Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!

Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool? A. Cornflakes

Time may fly, but does it have wings?

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa *********************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.

Yo momma is so ugly, that when she was born the doctor smacked her butt and his hand melted!

Conserve water. Shower with a friend.

"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." "Oops." "Is that thing called a lung?" "And my mom wanted me to help people." "Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!" "I can't pull it out!" "This belongs on MTV." "No one asked for your opinion." "It's a boy!" "Hey! I can see the operating table!" "Brilliant. Now what?" "I need a lawyer." "What have you been eating?!" "This is all a dream...this is all a dream..." "Mommy!" "Fire in the hole!" "I knew I should've stopped drinking."