I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer, "yes." He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shone the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.> Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.

A few decades from now, George Bush will die (everyone dies eventually). He goes up to Heaven where he sees a bunch of clocks, and he asks God what the clocks do. "These clocks go forward one minute each time the person tells a lie." Bush looks for his clock. "Where's mine?" "Oh, that one? I use that as a ceiling fan." "WHAT?"

A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

Think before you speak... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After brow

An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, entitled 'Advice for Young Mothers'. The librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."

One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid. Suddenly a genie popped up and said, "Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide," and a slide appeared from nowhere, "and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said." The first man went down and said, "GOLD," and he landed in gold; the second man said, "COCA-COLA," and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and he landed in wee.

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers, "Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?" The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl." The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, hon, how was the trip?" "Very good, thank you." "And what happened to my present?" "What present?" she asked "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!"

Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!

Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool? A. Cornflakes

Time may fly, but does it have wings?