You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!

Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. "Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?" she asked. "Yes," the boy said. "I'm having my dog put in neutral."

We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming, "Discover the Ancient World."

How Men Are Like Dogs * Both take up too much space on the bed * Both have irrational fears about vacuuming * Neither tells you what's bothering him * Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut * Neither understands what you see in cats

On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again! "And what would you like for Christmas?" he asked little Johnny. Shaking his head, Johnny sighed, "You really need to write these things down."

Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps? He had low elf-esteem. Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.

Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons: A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2." A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient."

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."

A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney. I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, "Did the driver admit he was at fault?"

When she put on makeup it's just like water, comes straight off.

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?" "Well," said the man, "I lie extensively."