A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the s

At the zoo a little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Her mom hurriedly explains, "Oh...they're just baking cakes." The next morning the little girl says, "Mommy, Mommy, you and Daddy baked cakes last night!" "Um, what makes you think that?" the mother asks nervously. "Because this morning there was icing all over the couch."

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman." The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, 'tis I." "And who might be the woman you were with?" "I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Lisa O'Shanter?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy O'Dell?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for chicken, Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for a feast, Eat a ninety-piece bucket then you can tell, He's been to Cluckin' Bell! Chicken is a bird with a tiny brain, So we assume he doesn't feel any pain. We shrink their heads and we breed 'em fast; Six wings, forty breasts and then they're gassed. Cock-a-doodle-doo we're psychotic crazies, Cock-a-doodle-doo factory farming's insane. We denied it all before our stock price fell, Come down to Cluckin' Bell!

My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well. "You all are brainwashed," he said. Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment. "Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'" "Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied. "You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'" Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."

A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom. An hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing. PS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.

There was once an old woman living in a cottage. Her husband had died three years ago. Suddenly, the phone rang. She picked it up and a deep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming into your town." She put the phone down, thinking it was some boys playing a prank on her. About half an hour later the phone rang again. She picked it up and the deep voice bellowed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming down your road." Again, the woman put the phone down, thinking that the boys were very determined. Around a minute later, the phone rang again. She sighed and picked up the phone. Again, the deeep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm just outside your door!" She put the phon

1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. 2. Your dad is some sort of engineer. 3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. 4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing. 5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. 6. You shop 99 ranch. 7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from. 8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. 9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. 10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, for

Yo momma's so dumb, she tells you Yo Momma jokes!

You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."