A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE: 1. Wear a top hat and make sure you sit in front of kids. 2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!" 3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses. 4. Clap when the good guy gets killed. 5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..." 6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for your asthma. 7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?" 8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devoius, say, "Watch out!" 9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes. 10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding. 11. Yell out what is going to happen. 12. Tell the man next to you that y

Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

"Transportation in the Middle Ages" by Orson Cart. "Growing up in the Balkans" by Hugo Slavia. "The Outboard Motor Died" by Rhoda Shaw. "Answering the Questions of the Universe" by Howard I. Know. "Our Son, Russell, the Chef" by Mr. & Mrs. Upsumgrub. "How to Write a Mystery Novel" by Paige Turner. "The Great English Breakfast" by Chris P. Bacon. "Vacation Spots in the Tropics" by Sandy Beech.

Tips for calling a business that has an answering service. When you get the answering service, please remember these vital tips. 1) When you call a lockout company, make sure you give the operator the telephone number on your account. It's considered proper procedure for the locksmith to drive to the office to look up an alternate number where you'll be at, and then drive to you. I believe it's quicker that way too. 2) After giving your last name to the operator on the line, and they ask for your first, It's ok to just say Mr or Mrs. Your voice can be deceiving as some people just may not have hit puberty by age 45. 3) If you're calling your apartment complex because your toilet is ov

Little Willy was a chemist; Little Willy is no more - For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. Little Willy played with dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays, It rained Willy seven days.

Ben and Zero are talking when Ben says, "Hey, Zero, if you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you a quarter." Zero then proceeds to tear the paper in half. Ben takes one of the halves, tears it in half, and gives it to Zero, saying, "Here's your quarter!" Zero wanders off, saying how neat that is and wouldn't it be great to find someone else to pull this on. He meets Tommy, and says, "If you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you 25 cents..."

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.

A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck left mud-flap right mud-flap Passing Side Suicide / ------ ------ \ \ ------ ------ / El Paso El Cruncho

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."