What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!

Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" she asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

There was a question in our company newsletter asking about whether they could water the flowers in the bathroom since they were looking wilted and sick. The response was, "The flowers are artificial." [Editor's note: Evidently some employees created a rest room gas cloud powerful enough to wilt artificial plants. You have to admire that on some level]

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking. The good father was able to convince Paddy that, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, yo

1. CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself. 2. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again. 3. DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." 4. FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. 5. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license. 6. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. 7. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose. 8. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. 9. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. 10. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing. 11. SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver." 12. TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. 13. WATER H

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastard. New Rule: Ladies

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and the family included Senators and Wall Street Wizards. The family decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. So the family hired a fine author to put together all their research notes, only a problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, for he could handle the story tactfully. So the book appeared and it said... "Great Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and hi

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets wi

"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter said,"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What do you pick to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're coming empty handed?"