I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.

So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, "Do you think money grows on trees?" "Ya," says the kid. "Well, it doesn't," says the dad. "So what is money made out of, Dad?" "Paper," the dad says. "And what is paper made out of?" "Shut up."

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." - A. Whitney Brown "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." - Rita Rudner "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - David Letterman "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology." - Jay Leno

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Then God said, "Let there be light!" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy,

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are here to welcome me." - Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." – Colette "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." - Colonial American proverb "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch

Please don't tell anyone, this is HOT gossip. After all the years of shit, it's surprising they are still together! Guess who? THE BUTTOCKS!

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez "Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." – Unknown "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemmingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." – Anonymous

There was once, Mr. Maggi mee was walking along the streets and noticed Mr. Meatball just a few metres ahead of him. He then went up, gave Mr. Meatball a good beating and left. Mr. Meatball, not wanting to take this insult, gathered all his meatball friends and arranged to meet outside Mr. Maggi mee's house to seek vengence on the beating. They pressed the bell, and Mr. Spaghetti opened the door. They walloped him and as they did, Mr. Spaghetti asked : why are you guys beating me? Mr. Meatball replied : "Don't think that just because you had yourself rebonded, we wouldn't recognise you!"

If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?

I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."