1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN: 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets. 3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight. 4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago. 5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll. 9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Babe Ruth "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." - Lee Trevino "I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a n

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. "It has long been known..." I didn't look up the original reference. "A definite trend is evident..." These data are practically meaningless. "While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions..." An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study..." The other results didn't make any sense. "Typical results are shown..." This is the prettiest graph. "These results will be in

One day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, "Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows!" Another day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, "Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?"

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked, "Do you have any military experience?" The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years." "I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?" The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles." The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am." "Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability." The interviewer replie

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

I was in McDonald's one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you, but that sounds like a hamburger to me. Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it, but I couldn't find the key!" A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an

My daughter was going over to the neighbor's house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbor's she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbor's phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbor's phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbor's to go home and see who was on the

Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out. 1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between. 2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9. 3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together. 4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it. 5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, and so on... 6. Take your letter, and think of

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until po

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. Mental backup in progress - Do not disturb! The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Black holes are where God divided by zero. If you can't read this, you're illiterate. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.