Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them... Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small. ---------------------------------------------------------- Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me." Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you?" ---------------------------------------------------------- When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. ---------------------------------------------------------- A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?" ----

Hey, did you hear about the... Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Bra manufacturers that went bust? Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen? Corset firm that felt the squeeze? Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Downfall of the bungee suppliers? The train company that went off the rails? The ship building company that sunk? The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?

Deep Salvage Pick Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages. Utensil Pick When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction. Extra Pick When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery. Depression Pick When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression. Pick A Lot What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame. Kiddi

The little cowboy, Shorty, was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls blue. Totally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted, "Who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls blue?!" A big burly guy stood up and said, "I did. Got a problem with that?" "None," says Shorty, "just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat."

When my three-year-old son opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot, everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."

An elderly man called 911 and said he thought his wife might be dead. Operator: "MIGHT be dead? Sir, can't you tell if she is dead?" Man: "I'm not quite sure." Operator: "Well, what makes you THINK that she could be dead?" Man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are beginning to pile up in the sink."

A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance. "I am a Biblical scholar," he replies. "A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" "I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us." "And children? How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will pr

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"