Category Jokes -
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
He restoreth my faith in study guides.
He leads me to better study habits
For my grades sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
I will not have a nervous breakdown;
For thou art with me.
My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anointest my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
All the days of my examinations,
And I shall not have to dwell in this university f
Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness
"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice."
"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving."
"Blink once for 'yes'."
"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?"
"Why is there a tag on his toe?"
"Do you think he can hear us?"
"I didn't even know a human could bend that way."
"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia."
"Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy."
"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."
"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?"
"Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!"
"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down."
"It
'Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last-minute knowledge.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.
In my own room,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his book,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy;
My eyes went ablur,
And I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life
A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he said. "Is it night?"
A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high-flying fogs.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
You can listen to thunder after
ON MODERNISM
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
THOUGHTS ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking a
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
Baby, I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.
Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
Hey baby, let's play army; I'll lay down you can blow me up
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