New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties. ____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. __

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well, get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

You momma so stupid, when I asked her,"Why she was yelling into an envelope."She said "She was trying to send voice mail."

Yo momma so fat and stupid, when her doctor told her to go on a seafood diet, she says OK, I see food, I eat it.

Yo momma so fat, when she entered a fat contest she won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd prizes.

What do you call a cute volcano? Lava-ble!

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day. Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger? A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number. Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax? A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure. Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind? A. Certainly not. As far as we can see. Q. There is a place on our street where you can go a

There were two groups of people. The first one was of a taxi driver who was driving at a high speed that all the passengers knelt and prayed. The second was of a priest who was preaching but boring the people to the extent that they started walking out. WHO BROUGHT PEOPLE CLOSER TO GOD? The taxi-driver.

In 1976, the Pentagon returned 50 security doors because of a design flaw. The doors, which cost $1,500.00 each, had titanium locks and handles, and a 0.0001" clearance at all edges. The problem was discovered when an angry secretary threw her coffee cup at one of the doors. It went right through the 1/16 inch wood veneer. It was also discovered that if you pulled on the handle, it would come off in your hand. In 1948, Mayor Jose Hussong, of Baja California, Mexico had a section of highway named after him by the people of his city. On the day it was to be dedicated, a group of officials waited for him to arrive. After they had waited for 2 hours, one of the officials went to the mayor's es

Here's to all the Secret Santas! Enjoy! It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies, the elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in, making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and my elves are on strike, all my reindeer are drun

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations o