A blonde woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know

How do you know if you're in a gay church? If half the congregation is kneeling!

It happened one time that a very old lady, whose husband had died, took a walk in the woods. She came across a young man whose hormones were raging. The young man tripped the old lady and came on top of her; she screamed and was heard by a couple walking not too far from them, but by the time they arrived the young man was doing the thing. When the young couple tried to pull him off the old lady,the old lady said, "Let him go ahead and see what his intention is."

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law... 1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking. 2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking. 3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present. 4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver. 5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING. 6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table. 7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubb

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands! Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?" Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better! Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it. Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..." Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions. Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too). If there is m

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions... 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geez, better get cracking." and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type, "french military victories". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy!

This was set up by Google. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type "failure". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy!

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"