Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace... If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'... If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'... If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'... If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'... If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'... If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you... If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate... If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elepha

Act naturally Happily married Microsoft Works Holy war Found missing Resident alien Minor Catastrophe Affordable housing Near miss Great depression Canadian army Phone sex United nations Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Death benefits Airline Food Women's rights Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Sensitive man Government organization Everything except Civil War Good kid Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christi

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that allowed them to claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf became a well traveled trail through the jungle. All day, every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and very publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. While he was leading a safari through the jungle, the tra

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense... too tense the size of everybody else's.

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk. When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order. Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?" Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have ano

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the

You might be a redneck if... On stag night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design". "Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors" "I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in." "Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?" "Carp, and plenty of them", Noah said. "Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they went through various items such as the co

Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare. Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter. Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine. Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.

1#Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" 2#Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out. 3#Yo momma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits! 4#Yo momma's so fat, she has her own zip code! 5#Yo momma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side. 6#Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas! 7#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show! 8#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in? 9#Yo momma's so fa