One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it. "Miss lunch lady," she said at the end of the line, "I don't like the holes in my cheese." "That's okay," she said. "Just eat around them and leave them on your plate."

There were three guys at an award ceremony for their school: a not-so-smart one, an average one, and a smart one. The not-so-smart one proudly boasts, "I'm going to receive an award today!" The average one was a bit skeptical about this and asks, "What kind of award will that be?" Before the not-so-smart on was able to reply, the smart one said, "The Most Improved Award."

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he li

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed. The husband says, "I thought we'd have sex tonight." The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight." The husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says, "Yes, it is, thank you." The husband says, "OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty (Just how guilty was he?) Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty (I say, give it to him.) Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found (What?) After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth (Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.) Woman Improving After Fatal Crash (Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)

A woman goes into a doctor's office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach. The doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, "Well, Ma'am, are you constipated?" The woman replies, "No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork." The doctor asks, "Every day, are you sure?" The woman replies, "Yes, I never miss a day, every day at 8:15am I am on the toilet." Well, the doctor ponders this because obviously the woman is not constipated so he sends her for a battery of tests. The doctor calls the lady a couple of days later and has her come into his office. "Well, Ms., I have found the problem it seems that you have 3 tapeworms in your st

Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!

Who is the patron saint of playgrounds? St. Francis of a see-saw!

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I love my cat. My cat does not care. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about? Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt? A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Jesus loves

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. If I save time, when do I get it back? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind. Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Does fuzzy logic tickle

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. Life is too short. Don't be a jerk. Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life. If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits! Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going. Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds. It's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks. I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain) Constant change is here to stay. Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff! Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic! Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.