If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert "Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." --Jay Leno "Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get h

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.

The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting birds. People in the office knew that the best friend had some dirt on the vice president. When the vice president came back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, "Where's your friend?" The Vice President started to shake and said, "Oh he's still hunting. I have my animals in this gym bag here." "O.k." A week later he came back alone. Then when he got to the car the next day a police man was writing a parking ticket. The officer said, "Sorry, sir, but I have to write you a ticket," and glanced at his police partner in his police car. Then the Vice President said, "Ok, let me just unlock the car and I'll be on my

Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast? A: Bring a gun to the box-office.

1. Order a cheese burger with no cheese. 2. Ask if they would like to buy some soap. 3. Sing "I think your tractor's sexy" 4. If you're in a drive-through, say, "Man, I think you're ugly." 5. Keep changing your order for over an hour. 6. When you pull up to the window, try to make it look like your window won't go down. 7. Ask how much it would be to be in the restaurant while in the drive through. 8. Have a Chinese accent and order a soda but not a certain kind and say, "No, no Dr. Pepper he no certified doctor." 9. In the drive through say, "I'm holding Ronald McDonald hostage. For his release I want 3 big macs and a sonic toy." 10. If you're at a life insurance place, order a bi

When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator.

William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.

A bunch of men are in a locker room at the gym, just out from the steam room. One man's phone rings, he answers it. The conversation between him and his girlfriend is as follows: "Hey honey!" "hey..." "I love ya!" "When are you gonna be home to feed us?" "Fuck ya'all! I hate you! The kids can starve!" "I've been loyal to you and this is what I get?!" "Go fuck a cow!" "I never wanna see your face again!" "Yours neither!" The man hangs up, laughing. "So, who's phone is this anyway?"

Knock knock! Who's there? Ya. Ya who? What are you getting so excited about?

You know you're a video game freak if ... You hire a babysitter to watch your video games. When you go swimming you put your nintendo D.S. in the glove box so no one will try to commit a felony and try to steal it. You cry when your data gets deleted. When you lose a disc you blame everyone you can so you can be in denial. You have every system since the pong game. You know who and when created all of your games. You are eaisly entertained when you hear that the nintendo stock market raises. You talk to your friends for two hours discussing which is better: Age of mythology or Age of Empires, only to come to the conclusion that you're eating pizza tonight to discuss it deeper. When

Now I lay me down to sleep; If I die before I wake, Please somebody; step on the BRAKE!