"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is," Kathy said. Chuck asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburettor. Chuck thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean to be offensive, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator." "No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," Kathy insisted. "OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake!" she said.

Charlie: "My wife has the worst memory ever." Tom: "She forgets everything, huh?" Charlie: "No, she REMEMBERS everything!"

Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!!

We all know that a good old fashioned zombie says "Braaaaiiiiins!" But what would these zombies say? A Vegan Zombie - "Graaaaaiiiiins!" A 1940's Mobster Zombie - "Daaaaaaames!" A Michael Jordan Zombie - "Haaaaaayynes!" A Vampire Zombie - "Veeeeeeeiiiiins!" A Masochistic Zombie - "Paaaaaiiiiiins!" A Maid Zombie - "Staaaaaiiiins!"

A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.

This big-time rancher from Texas met a Missouri farmer on a business trip. The Texas rancher bragged, "I can get in my truck, drive all day, and never cross the boundary of my ranch!" "Yep," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that once, too."

She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!

A detective was questioning a burglary suspect. "Where were you between five and six?" he asked. "In kindergarten!" he replied

A young boy called to his mother from the yard, "Mom, would you rather me fall out of a tree and break my arm or just tear a hole in my Sunday slacks?" "Well," she replied, "I guess I'd pray that you just ripped your pants." The kid yells back, "Your prayers have been answered!"

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude, he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it, neighbor," the man says, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time." Not wanting to be unneighborly the n

Knock Knock! Who's There? Radio. Radio Who? Radio not, here I come!

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before. She asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says: "They're making love." "Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked. "Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered. "Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok, I got it." As they continue their stroll, they come to