"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.

Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...

1. Look before you leap He who hesitates is lost 2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again Don't beat your head against a brick wall 3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder Out of sight, out of mind 4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today Don't cross the bridge until you come to it 5. Two heads are better than one Paddle your own canoe 6. More haste less speed Time waits for no man 7. You're never too old to learn You can't teach an old dog new tricks 8. A word to the wise is sufficient Talk is cheap 9. It's better to be safe than sorry Nothing ventured, nothing gained 10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth Beware of Greeks bearing gifts 11. Do unto others as

Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"

Do doughnut shops need security systems?

Yo momma is so fat, I gave her a piggyback ride and I got scoliosis.

A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most. "I only have to growl," said the bear, "and people start to get a bit nervous." The lion said, "I just have to roar and people run away." "That's nothing," replied the chicken. "I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics."

Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"

What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!

Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!

A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard tells him, "Three-million-four years and six months old." The student says. "How do you know that so precisely?" The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"