The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person sho

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is de

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of use

Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven. For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to: God, press

Knock Knock! Who's There? Abbott. Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ...BUMP, it goes.. ...BUMP.. ...BUMP.. Terrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.. Faster.. FASTER.. BUMP.. BUMP.. BUMP! He runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Clappity-BUMP.. Hot on the heels of the terrified m

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed. 2. All Polar Bears are left-handed. 3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar Bear. 1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles. 2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles. 3. Work stuffs up your eyesight. 1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second. 2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second. 3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

Aig - What a hen lays. Aints - He's got aints in his paints. Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a morning. Arn - Ma's tard of arnin. Bag - He bagged her to marry him. Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence. Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won. Bub - the light bub burned out. Cheer - What you set in. Crick - A small stream. Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon. Chiny - country over in Asia. Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes. Core - He got hisself a new Ford core. Cyow - Animal on Farm. Deppity - He helps out the shurf.. Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt. Dainz - Satidy night social. Ellum - A graceful tree. Fanger - What you put your rang on. Faince - Whats r

Far - What get the brandin arn hot. Furred - He got furred from his job. Flar - A rose is a purdy flar. Frash - Them aigs ain't frash. Furiners - All non-'bamans. Further - Hits ten miles further to town. Grain - She was grain with envy. Hail - Where bad folks go. Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n. Hilbilly - People in the next county. Hollar – What's between the hills. Hard - Got a brend new hard. Tar - His core blew a tar. Laymun - A sour fruit. Laig - Most folks have two of them. Lather - What you climb up. Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin. Mailk - what you get from cyows. Mere - What yo

Minners - Live bait. Misrus - Married woman. Nar - Opposite of wide. Nayk - Your head sets on it. Nup – No. Orrel - Them hinges need orrel. Ormy - What the sojers go in. Pank - A light red color. Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow. Petition - What separate the rooms. Poke - A paper bag or sack. Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in. Salit - A green vegetable. Puppet - What the preacher is in. Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher. Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig. Rang - You wear it on your fanger. Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts. Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town.

Rainch - A big cow farm. Rat - Do it rat now! Rench - Rench the soap yourself. Roont - She plum roont her shoes. Salary - A stringy vegetable. Soardeens - Small canned fish. Shar - A light rain. Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain. Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody. Pop - A soft drink. Sprang - Water out'n the ground. Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail. Storch - This here aprn has too much storch in it. Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death. Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart. Tho - Tho me the ball. Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat. War - A bobbed war fance. Worsh - Go worsh your face. Warter - What you worsh your face in. Yurp - A continent overseas.