Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world. Doctor: Oops. Secretary: I'm pregnant! Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer... Michael Jackson: I didn't do it! Bill Clinton: I didn't do it! Oh wait...Yes, I did. Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 "Ch355" g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111// Pilot: Are we there yet? Mad Scientist: I like Cows! Cell Phone Tester: Can you hear me now? Video Gamer: Can the line lag any further?

Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious." The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"she says. Johnny replies, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car p

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free. The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet, as this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi ca

These four guys were walking down the street; a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "What's 'shortage'?" The Russian says, "What's 'meat'?" The North Korean says, "What's 'opinion'?" The New Yorker, says, "'Excuse me'? What's 'excuse me'?"

An old Native American wanted a loan of $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know of collateral." "Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know; it has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back i

. When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"

. We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, the

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The hamster stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the hamster