Knock Knock! Who's There? Candy. Candy who? Candy door even open?

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives, the professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long." The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The professor sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

A gang of counterfeiters get a new extremely expensive printing machine, and at great expense, buy some plates, which they were assured were 99.9% perfect. They buy a large consignment of paper which also was virtually identical to the real paper. Gleefully, they switch on the machine and print a few off. They were delighted with the quality of the paper, the inks, and the printing itself - it would fool the best investigators in the whole world - if it wasn't for the fact that the notes were all £18 notes! What were they to do? Eventually, someone suggested going over to Ireland, and changing some of their £18 notes - those stupid Irish wouldn't realise they were being conned! A few d

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

- Only in America can a pizza guy get to your door faster than an ambulance. - Why do slow-down and slow-up mean the same thing? - Why are wise man and wise guy opposites? - Why is it that when stuff goes on a truck it's called a shipment and on a boat it's called cargo? - Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? - Why do we press harder on things when we know the batteries are dead?

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll hav

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that

A guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!"

A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. "Hello?" he said, groggily. "I want you to get up and get your ass online." she said. "How?" "I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!"

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it s

Know why men are men and women are WOmen? Men keep saying - WO man, check out her boobs!