Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman

After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 15 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ------------------------------------------------------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein

- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway. - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. - He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. - He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. - He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.

"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"

Knock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!

Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911.

WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!!

A scientist is researching storms, so he goes out to find one. He takes his blonde assistant to help him find one. They drive for miles until they come to some plains. They stop the car and the scientist tells the blonde to look out for tornados. After a few minutes, a cow flies past due to strong winds and the blonde says, "Look! A flying cow!" The scientist writes this down on his notepad but as he does, the car gets swept away by a tornado. The car lands in a ditch after the tornado had gone. The scientist got out and shouted at the blonde, "I thought you were looking out for tornados!" "I was, but after I saw the cow, I was looking for the dish running away with the spoon."