I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.

My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action. 'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.

Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? Sherwood like to meet you, so open the door!

Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River."

A blonde (let's call her Blonde #1) and her twin sister (let's call her Blonde #2) were celebrating the twin's birthday and Blonde#2 gave Blonde#1 a present. Blonde#1: "Oh, thank you so much! When's your birthday? I have to start planning what to get you!"

I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.

Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.

Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A quite sobered-up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired, he finally nods out hoping no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at the end of the sermon, decides to make an example out of him. "Who in this room would like a place in heaven, please stand up," he exclaims. The whole room stands up, except, of course, for one. Obviously displeased, he now says loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP." The man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Fathe