The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions. Tortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. Rubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together. Flying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first p

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house. Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass. Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A. From a catalogue. Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A. He thought it was a delivery service. Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A. A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? A. She wants to be the first lady. Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town. Q.

Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica. A. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum. Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument? A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ! Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? A. The President after Bush Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House? A. Swallow the Leader Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book? A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing" Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A. Get out of my sun! Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? A. Got two fives for a ten? Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? A. By putting a plun

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pe

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man. Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah,

Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be: * 57 Asians * 21 Europeans * 14 from the Western Hemisphere, * 8 Africans, * 52 would be female * 48 would be male * 70 would be non-white * 30 would be white * 70 would be non-Christian * 30 would be Christian * 95 would be heterosexual * 5 would be homosexual * 6 people would own 59% of the world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States and male. * 80 would live in substandard housing * 70 would be unable to read * 50 would suffer from malnutrition * 1 would be near death * 1 would be near birth * 1 would h

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. - I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. - I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? - Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. - I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? - I am glad to report that my

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book." The librarian says: "You want a book?" "Book." "Any book?" "Book." So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book" The librarian says: "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on. The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into

- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house. - When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. - Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. - Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out! - If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. - When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone. - Don't have sex. Es