Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when I was banging her she thought she was getting a threesome!

What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag? One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries! Why does MJ like Wal-Mart? Because they have boys' pants half off! What time is bedtime in Neverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! And now, for the grand finale: What is brown and in little boys' pants? MJ's hand!

99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.

What do you call a group of white people running down a hill? Avalanche! What do you call a group of black people running down a hill? Mudslide! What do you call a group of Latinos running down a hiil? JAILBREAK! How do you find the country of Mexico? Roll a quarter down a hill. How do you find the richest Mexican? Find the one who got the quarter!

Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, "Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted." They look nervously at one another, but agree. The first priest says, "Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system." They look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. "Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box

The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!

Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?

How many old geezers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Back in my day, we didn't have lightbulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk uphill both ways to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm. And... zzzzzz......

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hey, that's not funny! We're suing! Q: How many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Who needs lightbulbs with our technology? Q: How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: We can't afford lightbulbs. The only thing I can afford is this old gym sock.

So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar. Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!

Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower: Do not point blower in direction of people or pets. (Wild animals are presumably okay?) Bono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement: Exposure may result in confusion. (Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused) Bowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets: Harmful if swallowed. (I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point) Sunbeam Simple Press Iron: To prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area. (I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!) Hungry Jack Lite Syrup: Caution: Syrup bottle may be hot. (After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.) 50 Water Balloons: This bag is not a toy. (Yes ind

Abortion - Near Life Experience Bald - Follically liberated Blind - Photonically non-receptive Bum - Displaced homeowner Cannibalism - Intra-Species dining Censorship - Selective speech Cheating (Marriage) - Post-Marital Affairs Cheating (School) - Academic Dishonesty Clumsy - Uniquely coordinated Corpse - Permanently static post-human mass Cowboys - Bovine control officers Crime Rate - Street activity index Dead - Living impaired Deaf - Visually oriented Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Dish Washer - Utensil Sanitizer Fat - Person of substance Gas Station Attendant - Petroleum Transfer Technician Hunter - Meat Mercenary Idiot - Factually Unencumbered Insane Person - Selectively Perceptive Midget