I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, "What did you marinate this in?" The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him. She must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, "What did you ask me?" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, "Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?" Without hesitation she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "he can't throw."

Holiday Banana Bread: Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms. 2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger. 4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed. 5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done! 6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

A blonde was filling out an application form. She quickly filled in the columns for Name; Age; Address et c. When she came to the column Salary Expected, she put "Yes." At an air show, the blonde turned to her partner and said, "I wouldn't like to be up there in one of those!" Her partner replied, "I wouldn't like to be up there without one." A blond farmer had a donkey had refused to go under a bridge, and when she measured the donkey and the bridge, found that the donkey was 6 inches too tall to go under. She got a hammer and chisel, and was cutting two grooves for the donkey's ears when a passer-by suggested she dig a groove in the ground for the donkey's feet. "Don't be so daft," she s

Godzilla, King Kong, and a smart blonde are all on the Empire State Building. Who jumps first? None. Because none of them exist!

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

There once was a college professor who didn't buy into the whole "there's no such thing as a stupid question" philosophy. Every year when he had a new class he instructed the students to ask him as many stupid questions as they could think of on the first day. That way, he figured, there'd be a minimized amount of stupidity for the duration of the term. The professor thought he'd heard every stupid question there was and didn't laugh no matter what his students asked him, not even a smirk. Then, finally, a student asked something that he'd never heard before. The question made him laugh so hard he couldn't stand up. A lanky, tomboyish girl raised her hand with a wry smile on her face, stood

Two criminals are talking in a jail cell. "What are you in for?" "Something I did NOT do!" "Sooo... you're innocent? What did you not do?" "I DIDN'T run fast enough!"

Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with peop

Laws of Feline Physics II Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedient Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Refrigeration Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to e