A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that."

A women said to her boyfriend "Oh, honey... are we doing anything this weekend?" Her boyfriend on the other side of the room said "Yeah, of course" The woman said "Oh, honey. That's great! What are we doing?" "Sunday... it's just you, me, the T.V., and that big comfy couch!" he said. "Oh, honey... does this mean what I think it means!?" she said. She jumped up excitedly. "Oh, honey... you want to watch the Super Bowl too!"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. He says, "My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?" "Let's have a look at him," says the vet, as he picks up the dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth. "I'm going to have to put him down," he finally says. "What?" says the man, "just because he's cross-eyed?" "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy!"

The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month. Little Johnny stood up to read his: "Daddy fell in the well last week," he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Johnson, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Timmy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room. To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently. He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?" "He certainly is, sir," replies the barman. "I am amazed," said the man. "Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker." "Does the dog win much?" asks the man. "No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with two black sheep under each arm? A: A pimp

I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set. The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was "Built in Antenna."

If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off!

Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs.

A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; "Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS. "That's impossible," cried the paper bag, "I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!" "In that case," said the doctor, "your father must have been a carrier."

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could. One day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest. "Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'." "I will do no such a thing," says the priest. "It would be a lie." "I know that you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose." The priest is in a dilemma. "And if I pledge to say those words," he says, "you'll sig