A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"

Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!

A man stops to stay at hotel for the night, and when he goes to check in, the clerk tells him, "There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes." When the man gets inside the room, his curiosity gets the best of him, and he sticks his dick in the first hole. Immediately a hunter shoots it off with a rifle. The pain is so unbearable, the man jumps out the second story window and plummets to his death. The next night, another man comes to stay at the same hotel. The clerk tells him, "There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes.

Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"

There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could. This went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons. After some thought, he came up with an idea. He made a sign and placed it in the field; the sign read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide!" He feels pleased with himself, thinking that will stop the theft of his crop. A couple of days later, he returns, and the watermelons are all there; but in the distance, he sees another sign. He walks over to the sign, and reads, "No

Pete's at work when he realises he's forgotten to ask his wife, Alison, where he should pick her up after work. He calls home, and after several seconds, Ali answers the phone. Pete asks his question, and Ali shouts, "You got me out of the bath to ask me that? I dashed to the phone; I haven't even got a towel over me, I'm dripping water in the hall! Pick me up in the square at 5.30!" As soon as Ali tells him she's naked and wet in the hall, an evil thought occurs to him. "I'm terribly sorry to have got you out of the bath; ok, see you at 5.30 then." As he hangs up, he calls to his mate, Mark, and outlines his plan, and starts to dial his home number, then gives Mark the phone. When Ali answe

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked, "How much is the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat; a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner. The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat - and I won't be bringing it back." As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a littl

Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades. When he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. "You look like Helen Brown," he remarked. "Well", replied the angry woman, "you don't look so great in blue either!"

One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"

Winston Churchill (whose mother was American) was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II. These are some insults he was involved in - Lady Astor – "Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee." Winston Churchill – "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!" Bessie Braddock – "Winston, you're drunk!" Winston – "Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning, I shall be sober!" Bernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to a first night, with a note saying – "Bring a friend – if you have one." Churchill replied, saying that he could not attend the first night as he was busy, and asked for tickets for the second night – "If you have one."