The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked: "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said; "You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked: "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." T

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me an fucking cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!" The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to, you idiot?" "No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly. "Thanks for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. "Take a little more time and think of another wish

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

There's a lovely young woman in New Zealand who is getting her house redecorated. She is walking around the house with the builder, telling him what colors she is thinking of painting the walls. They go firstly into the dining room, and she says that she'd like it painted a nice lilac color. The builder nods, before yelling out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!" They then move into the kitchen. The woman says she was thinking of a pale blue for this room. The builder nods, before again yelling out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!" They then continue into one of the bedrooms, and the woman says she wanted this one a yellow color. The builder nods once again, then yells out the window, "

What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)