A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police. The man asked: "Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?" The policeman replied, "No, you were flying too low..."

Sticks and stones won't break my bones but yo momma will when she gets on top!

Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"

A man at the movies had left his seat to buy an ice-cream. On his return he said to an old lady sitting at the end of the row, "I'm sorry, but did I step on your toe a minute ago?" The woman angrily replied "Yes, you certainly did!" "Oh," said the man, "Then this is my row."

The woman in a theatre box-office was surprised one evening just before the show at the behavior of one man. He bought a ticket, went away, and then returned a few minutes later to buy another one. He went away again, returned and bought a third ticket. Then he went away yet again, returned and bought a fourth ticket! By now the show had started, so the woman in the box-office said "I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep coming back and buying more tickets?" "Every time I try to get in to the auditorium," he replied, "some jerk takes my ticket and tears it in half!"

Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"

Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"

Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. 'So, how did you do, son?' he asked. 'You'll never believe it!' Billy said. 'I was responsible for the winning run!' 'Really? How'd you do that?' 'I dropped the ball.'

A man was walking down a street when he sees a blonde couple who looked extremely happy. He goes up to them and asks: "Why are you guys so happy?" The couple says "We just finished a puzzle that took us 3 years!" "3 years!" the man said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle." "Oh yes it does" said the couple "It said so right on the side of the box 2 to 3 years...!"

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam.